Dr. Wendy Dearborne Choice Expert & Life Coach

...its my life my choice


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Probiotics and Prebiotics What Are They and Do I Need Them? Part II

Posted on August 31, 2014 at 6:15 PM Comments comments (0)

What Are Prebiotics?

Prebiotics are “partially” non-digestible, nutrients that are naturally occurring in the food that we eat that the friendly bacteria in your colon use as a source of growth energy. Prebiotics are carbohydrates that are related or similar to insulin and fruit sugar fructo oligosaccharides. Prebiotics, serve as food sources for the healthy bacteria, thus providing them with the nutrition they need to reproduce and maintain the ecology, integrity and functionality of the entire digestive tract. prebiotics include bananas, whole grains, onions, garlic, artichokes and honey.


What Are Probiotics?

Probiotics are organisms, which have been identified as bacteria or yeast that have a beneficial effect on both digestion and absorption and overall health. Recent studied suggest that probiotics have the ability to limit the overgrowth of bacterial organisms and yeast that may want to take over the intestines. Over colonization of bacteria in the digestive tract can happen due to stress, incorrect diet, over indulgence of sugary foods/drinks, medication side effects and the list goes on. It has recently been established that an imbalance of bacteria in the gut can lead to a suppressed immune system. Diarrhea, respiratory infections, irritable bowel syndrome, ulcerative colitis and intestinal infections to name but a few can arise from an imbalance in the gut. When the immune system is compromised, it leaves the body in a weakened and vulnerable state, upping the chances of contracting and or manifesting diseases.

Many people purchase probiotics, however, there really is no need, because nature has provided probiotics in a natural form. It’s all in what you eat. If the right foods are eaten the in the correct way, the body knows how to manufacture its own probiotics. Food rich in probiotics are grains, legumes and cruciferous vegetables such as broccoli, Brussels sprouts, cabbage, cauliflower, collard greens, kale, radish and rutabaga.


What Are Synbiotics

Synbiotics are foods that act as both prebiotics and probiotics. They contain both beneficial bacteria and the food on which these types of bacteria thrive. Some common examples include lacto-kefir, which is a type of yogurt drink, and or yogurts that contain live active cultures. And also water kefir. The live cultures live in sugar water environment, whereby it literally eats the sugar to keep the bacteria strain alive. In fact, water kefir can make naturally carbonated drinks that are totally healthy for you. Sauerkraut, kimchi and pickled vegetables are other sources of symbiotic foods. Commercially produced foods are sometimes fortified with prebiotics or probiotics. Be sure to do your own due diligence by reading the label so you know what you are really getting.


In short, naturally occurring prebiotics in foods are the energy source that feed probiotics, which are also known as the “friendly flora” in the digestive tract. The friendly flora’s job is to maintain balance within the digestive tract, with the ultimate goal of supporting and maintaining a healthy immune system.

So, do you need them? I’ll let you be the judge of that!



Probiotics & Prebiotics What Are They & Do I Need Them? Part I

Posted on August 23, 2014 at 6:15 PM Comments comments (0)

Your intestinal tract has both good and bad bacteria. Micro organisms also known as intestinal flora. They are found in the entire length of your digestive tract, from mouth to anus. Within your digestive tract you have approximately 5-7lbs of intestinal micro organisms that need to be kept in check, fed and kept healthy. I believe, in addition to a warm, damp mucous, environment, both good and bad have to be fed. They both are vying for premium gastric real-estate and if over fed on what they need to reproduce, one or the other will take over the “digestive” hood.

The primary function, depending on the type of organism is to support digestion and absorption, as in the case of the small intestine and in the case of the large intestine, the function is to support growth friendly flora, absorption and elimination. This is all needed for your body to function correctly and maintain a balance. Your immune system can be severely compromised if the balance is off.

Digestive tract imbalances can be caused by a multitude of things. Lack of exercise reduces tonal value of the digestive track unsettling the intestinal ecology. Stress also impacts and can cause an imbalance; primarily because our energy is reduced in the intestinal tract. The body’s response is that the good and bad intestinal flora go into survival mode. Both start reproducing at the rate of warp speed. But, by far the biggest contributor to intestinal imbalances is what we choose to eat.

SIBO (Small intestinal bacterial overgrowth) creates gas bloating, diarrhea and constipation to name but a few conditions. From there it can manifest into leaky gut syndrome. This is where digested food leaches directly into the blood system, without the benefit of being filtered. IBS, Ulcerative colitis is inflammation of lining of the lower small intestine it causes mal absorption of the nutrients, which leads to starvation.

SIBO increases the risk of yeast over growth, parasites, in ability to remove toxic waste from the body. It leads to Crohn’s disease, which is inflammation of the colon the knock on effect from that is mal absorption or nutrients, which leads to starvation and re-absorption of toxic waste, which leads to ill health.

If you think about the sewer system where you live, now think about how important it is to keep it in tip top condition and functioning correctly. When the sew system breaks down, fails or doesn’t function efficient it opens the populations up to pollutants which are the cause and spread of disease. Your large intestine/colon your personalized sewage system. So if your personalized elimination system isn’t working or breaks down you are in jeopardy of becoming ill.

In part II we'll explore in depth the functions of prebiotics, probiotics and synbiotics

Whoa Slow Your Roll Sista Affirmations Don't Work

Posted on August 10, 2014 at 11:45 PM Comments comments (0)

Outside of the loss of a loved one etc. one of the most challenging things that we will experience in our lives is knowing what to believe. How do we reconcile what we know at a deep and intrinsic level, which is our truth, with a bill of goods that we are continuously being sold? Eat eggs, don’t eat eggs, walk 15 minutes daily, don’t walk, drink 8 glasses of water a day, drink your weight in ounces and on and on. These bills of goods are being packaged as OUR truth, even though they are counter-intuitive to who and what we are.

As a meta-physician and choice expert, I know the importance of doing “your own due diligence.” I understand and embrace the need to go within self and access the answers to life’s questions. So I surprised myself when I recently read that affirmations don’t work.

This comes from an author and coach that is teaching people how to create abundance. He spoke a lot about the energy field of potentiality and infinite possibilities. For a minute, just for a minute I started to buy into the author’s theory as to why affirmations don’t work. I chose to go to a place of lack and limitation. I chose to question my core beliefs to see if I was in alignment with the disincarnated voice coming to me from the words on the page.

I had the audacity to ask myself, have all the things that I have “INTENTIONALLY” manifested based on using affirmations been a fluke? “Whoa! Slow your roll, sister!” I did slow my roll and I found myself in a place where I had to slap (hard) and snap myself out of that mental space.


I know that affirmations work. Every word, every thought that I have had in order of emotional priority is being affirmed, and therefore WILL manifest. That is the Universal Law of Action and Reaction or the scientific terminology is cause and effect. When your energy flows to where your attention is, the energy will move into form if the right internal situation is present. Belief powered by emotion creates the perfect Universal environment for manifestation. My life, your life our lives are living proof of our POWERFUL ability to affirm and make that which we believe into something tangible or real.

Questions self Do your own due diligence. DO NOT take my word or anyone else’s as your gospel for making choices in your life. Check in with your INNER self to see what feels intuitively right for you. Then act on that feeling, remembering that where you place your emotional intentions or focus is construed as your belief. So what priority has your emotional attention? Do you want that which your attention is focused on, to manifest in your life? If the answer is no, then pour your emotional energy into what you do want or what you intend to happen!


Oh and the book I was reading, it made me aware that I need to harness my energy a bit more. By not squander it on things that won’t bear the fruit I AM wanting. Too, it affirmed to me, that I AM, through the power of my conscious awareness of choice, the creator of the life that I AM currently experiencin

Brown Rice And Arsenic

Posted on July 31, 2014 at 2:55 AM Comments comments (0)

This might be something to think about. I've always wondered why more than half the worlds population whose diet consists of eating white rice for breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert aren't experiencing the same sort of numbers of people being afflicted with the diseases that the Western world is currently experiencing. Diabetes, heart disease, obesity, chronic allergies and asthma to name a few.

Ironically, we’ve been told white rice is bad for us. But is it really? We have been sold a bill of goods that has told us that eating brown rice is the way to achieve optimal health. But is it really? Never mind that it is a known fact that brown rice is harder to digest than white rice. Now let's add another fact to this equation, which, might I add, has been conveniently ignored. Rice grown in certain regions of the USA are known to have questionably high levels of arsenic. And that is both brown and white rice.


And yes, because of the conditions in which rice needs to grow, I’m aware that it’s more susceptible to up taking arsenic, which is naturally occurring in water and soil. However, there is a marked difference between rice that is grown in Asia for exportation and the rice that is grown for local indigenous consumption. And that difference boils down to this; the rice for exportation is polished and the rice for the locals is not. Another huge factor is in the kind of fertilizer that the rice farmers use.

That being said, brown and white rice grown in the southern parts of the USA have KNOWN arsenic levels that raise, both, eyebrows. These levels of arsenic are high enough that FDA's monitor rice production. From what I could gather, their (the FDA) stance on this issue is this; because they, the FDA do not have any data on the long term effects of arsenic consumption the inference is that the consumer should vary their diets and not consume brown or White rice on a "DAILY" basis that has been grown in the southern region of the USA.

Rice that is imported from Asia and India is reported to have many times less arsenic then some of our home grown varieties. Apparently, California’s growing practices are different than the southern regions because according to various sources, California grown rice doesn’t have the high level arsenic issue.

How many people do you think know this little concern that the FDA have regarding rice? Oh and as an FYI they are also concerned about arsenic levels present in fruit juice too. Rice bran, rice cereal, rice flour or fruit juice anyone?

Dr Wendy Dearborne is a choice expert and life coach you can email her drwendy@itsmylifemychoice.com



At The Cost of Your Health

Posted on June 27, 2014 at 4:00 PM Comments comments (0)

Today, I had the luxury of taking a leisurely stroll around Costco's.  And yes, it was teaming with throngs of people who I personally feel, need to have their shopping cart licenses revoked.   Usually,  I feel like Bond...Jane Bond - 006 when I go into Costco's.  I'm totally focused on my mission and execute  my shopping with military style precision.

However, today as I strolled aimlessly up and down the isles, I couldn't help but overhear a conversation between three women, who looked like sisters, who ranged in age from 67ish to 75ish.  One sister, who appeared to be the youngest, was animatedly talking about her health issues, which, by the sounds of it, will not have a favorable outcome.


She was, for want of a better way to phrase this, pissed, because her physician had the audacity to suggest that she "JUICE" using fresh fruits and vegetables as a way to assist in helping her to correct or maintain her current health issues.  She was "not going to spend that kind of money on a juicer and then make damned juice when a pill can do the job."


While I am not into extracting juices from fruits and vegetables, I am all about WHOLEFOOD JUICING.  What is whole food juicing?  It's pulverizing fruits, vegetables, seeds, grains and nuts into a liquid form.  In short it's creating a smoothie and in my case a GREEN smoothie.   So what's the difference between a smoothie and a juice?  The difference between juice extraction and wholefood juicing comes down to  fiber.  Juice extraction removes the naturally occurring liquid in fruits or veggies leaving the fiber behind to be toss away.  Wholefood juicing pulverizes everything, including the fiber, into a liquid that is easy for the digestive system to assimilate.    The fiber which is lost in juicing, carries with it essential phytonutrients, which play a huge role in the healing process and maintaining an optimum immune system.




As we all moved on  in different directions, I fell into a sort of automatic memory recall.  I couldn't help but to blink a couple of times to assure myself that I heard, what, I thought I had heard.  As I strolled away, she was still talking very indignantly about the fact that a physician would suggest something like juicing when he's job is to be writing her prescriptions.

Wow!  When I realized I had heard what I thought I had heard, two things crossed my mind

      1. Kudos to her doctor for suggesting phytonutrients as an alternative to pharmaceuticals and a way of empowering her to take an active role in her health care recovery.
      2. In the long run what is going to cost her more,  pharmaceuticals or fruits and veggies?

As I reflect on the answer to the latter question, I feel that in the long run the ultimate price that she will pay, will be in her quality of life...and that is priceless!



Your Self Worth Is The Golden Thread

Posted on June 22, 2014 at 6:25 PM Comments comments (0)

This week I attended an interesting function that was a culmination of an 8 week coaching program in which several women showcased their unique public speaking delivery styles. Each graduate spoke about historic vignettes that have shaped who they have become and will continue to influence who they evolve into.


As I sat in the audience listening, and in some cases empathizing as each woman delivered her powerful story, speaking eloquently, emotionally and passionately about being broken, lost, afraid, sad and alone, I couldn't help but ask myself, "what was the common denominator in their individual, yet joint histories ?"





My mental check list when a little something like this;


  • They were all females
  • They were all graduates of a coaching program that supported you in becoming a public speaker
  • They all had suffered physical and emotional trauma's
  • They all made it through the events of the passed
  • They all have done the work (mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually) necessary to create the enriching lives that they now live
  • They are all stronger for their experiences
  • They all want to give back to the world in their own unique way


So, what was the common denominator for both their past and their present?


I could see that the common thread that HAD ran though each of them as they spoke about their histories. And, ironically, it was the same common thread that ran through their present experience. Then it hit me. Worth! Self-worth!

Your self worth is an inner faculty that supports you in your unique choice making process; choices that you make for and about how your life will be created. However, it is your belief in your choice that will get you to your appointed or desired destination. Or put another way, it's your belief in your choice/worth/self that allows the Universal energy to be moved into form...or be made manifest.




You see, each graduate showed up as strong, eloquent, emotional and passionate and confident. Authentically, unapologetically, humorously and with no-holds-barred they spoke about themselves and their experiences. Some of those experiences to this day remain harrowing, yet, they chose to express their experiences in a positive light. Instead of passing negative judgement on self they used each experience to increase their own belief in their worth. Their belief in SELF. And that for me is what I call, flipping the script or fts. What amazing transformation I witnessed. In fact, I saw the unshakable I AM ESSENCE within each graduate on that stage and for me that took Thursday night to a spiritually defining moment.




So, I'll leave you with this thought and question: Far to often we judge our self using external gauges, or yardsticks as I like to call them, to determine our worth. Yardstick that we have chosen that are unique to someone else journey...NOT YOURS. And as a result, far to often we miss our mark and the worth that we place in self suffers.

My question is this, who said that the gauges or yardsticks that you are currently using to determine your self worth in life is accurate?


Does What You like To Eat Like You?

Posted on June 6, 2014 at 4:10 PM Comments comments (0)

Did you know that eating foods that takes a lot of energy to digest can, not only make you feel sluggish, but it can impact your ability to recall events...both short and long term. It can make you forget common words that you use every day and is a factor in making wrong choices in your life. This doesn't only apply to carbs, but protein from the land and sea as well. And yes, it also includes fruits and veggies too! In fact, it doesn’t matter whether, fried, boiled, broiled, grilled, oil, oil free, steamed and raw; the energy it takes to digest your food impacts your ability to function in every way.


Are some foods better to eat than others? The answer to that question boils down to how well you digest the foods that you are choosing to eat. You’ll know the answer to this by what you feel like. Typically after you eat do you feel a little sleepy or sluggish, even a little cranky? Does your nose run or do you have a little coughing or sneezing jag?   Or has everything you said you were going to do before eating, evaporated into the ethos, because now, all you have enough energy to do is sit and watch TV or read? All those are good signs that what you’re eating isn’t providing you with the energy you need. The ol' adage applies here "one man's meat is another man's poison!"


So, me telling you what is best for you doesn’t help you in anyway. What can and will help you is this.

  • Over the next two – three weeks, check in with yourself and observe how you feel after eating. Be honest. Honesty is the key. Look to see if you feel sleepy, crappy, cranky, snappish, foggy, depleted, unfocused. Or energized, happy, sharp, focused, motivated, creative and insightful.
  • Over the next two - three weeks check in with yourself to see if what you are eating leaves you feeling satisfied or unsatisfied, bloated, non specific abdominal discomfort or not. Congestion in sinuses, eyes and or lungs or not.

If you have experienced some of what is listed above then you may want to look at tweaking your diet. You know what you are dealing with because of your observations and now you can do your own due diligence.

How I hear you say? By making the necessary changes.

  • Instead of eating pizza for lunch, you may digest it better at night. Try it and see.  Instead of having a meat eaters delight select one meat and make the rest up with veggies. Instead of eating your heaviest meal at lunch time, you may want something lighter so you can get through your day. Instead of having chicken on your salad, have tofu…LOL! Did I just loose most of my readers? LOL! If you usually go for a fully loaded baked potato, just go for half the load. Eliminate some of the toppings and see how you feel.




Do you need something sweet to round your meal out? If the answer to that is yes,

  • you may want a little more meat and or vegetable protein.

For far too long we have been lead around by the nose being dictated to as to what we must eat to be healthy. And we are not getting any healthier if statistics are to be believed. I say you know you best, because I personally and professionally, believe that “one man’s meat is another man’s poison!” Not everybody is physiologically and psychologically designed to be a vegetarian, vegan, pescetarian or flexitarians or a raw foodist.




At the end of the day, we all know what makes us feel good or bad. It’s a case of doing your own due “honest” diligence. And finding out what you are wanting from your relationship with food.

Suspended Animation

Posted on April 17, 2014 at 1:40 AM Comments comments (0)

According to Dictionary.com, suspended animation means; a state of temporary cessation of the vital functions. Sometimes in life, when you make choices that are not totally in alignment with what you are wanting, the result feels like you have flat lined. Leaving you existing in a space of suspended animation, where the thing that you expected to happen, doesn’t happen. Yet, frozen in place you keep waiting, wishing, hoping and praying that it will happen, all the while conducting a monolog filled with self recriminations centered on if I woulda, shoulda, coulda. Knowing at your core or at both conscious and subconscious levels it’s not going to happen, because it never was and it never will. And all the wishing in the world isn’t going to make is so.

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The amazing thing about the spiritual and human experience is that whatever choice you make is right. It’s the right choice even if it appears to be wrong. It’s the right choice even if you don’t experience what you expected to experience. You see, all choices once made automatically calibrate or recalibrate to support you in attaining your true heart’s desire. What does that mean? Look at it this way; if you want to reach the mountain and you take the wrong turn, your global navigation system will course correct for you, giving you options for getting you back on track.


In life, if you make what you consider to be the wrong choice, there are two things that will happen.

  1. Your Universal GPS, your spiritual navigation system will automatically course correct according to your subconscious desire or your true belief, giving you options for getting you back on track. You still have to make the choice.
  2. Based on what you experienced allowing you to transmute your current experience. You will learn something valuable about yourself as you transmute. As you move through your situation and come out on the other end you will experience transmutation. You will have learnt something valuable about yourself. In addition to being placed in correct alignment with what you are wanting in life.

So, if you feel that you have made the wrong choice and are currently kicking the heck out of yourself because you invested money, but more importantly your precious time, take heart. There are no wrong choices, just opportunities for personal growth, a space for greater self understanding and clarity around what you are wanting. How bad is that?

As an FYI whatever you’ve come through has the potential to make you stronger and wiser should you choose to see it that way.

Stop Trying To Fix It

Posted on March 19, 2014 at 3:00 AM Comments comments (0)

One of the most oppressive things that you can do to yourself is own someone else’s crap! And this is what you may find yourself doing on a regular basis; by trying to fix other people’s crappy life situations. And as a result you wind up in part ownership of the negativity that is going on in their lives.   For a variety of reasons you may do this, but the main one is that we all think, based on our past experiences, wisdom, knowledge, skill etc that we can fix it.  That is fix whatever has gone wrong with the “fixee’s”  life.


The irony here is that I can’t, you can’t, we can’t.  You cannot fix a single thing pertaining to someone else. They have to “fix it” for themselves. Good God, most of us are challenged with straightening our own lives out.  So how in the heck did you arrive at the conclusion that you could “fix” someone else’s life?  Don’t get it twisted, that just because someone, a.k.a “fixee” has accepted advice or something more tangible like money, that you have fixed them.  No you didn’t!  You presented them with an option or options to choose from.  That’s all you did. They have to select and act on anything that you share with them.

People have the need to be heard.  If you are in possession of empathetic listening skills, people will beat a path to your door way, cell phone, iPod, email, facebook page, twitter, hangout etc to get to you.  And get to you they will!  If you find yourself snowed under with other people’s problems and you’re forever sighing deeply wondering, “How did I get here?  I don’t want to hear this crap…again!”  The answer is simple: You have chosen to be all up in someone else’s Kool-Aid.  You and I both know that while the good is going, it’s great.  As far as the “fixee” is concerned you are the best thing since Starbucks’s mocha caramel latte. But let any piece of advice you gave so lovingly, not bear the desired fruit that the “fixee” wanted and your name is now crud.  And of course, it now becomes all your fault, why their life is in the crapper.


As a choice expert, I know that it doesn’t have to be that way.  Why?  Because everyone has the answers to the questions and solutions to their problems within.  Sounds a bit like woo woo to you? It’s not.  It happens to be a scientific fact.  It’s all in our ability to communicate during conversation by using dialog that always is focused on the future never looking at the past.  The fix is within the “fixee” identifying what they want.  So the next time you find yourself trying to fix someone’s problems, find out what they are really wanting.  By doing this you won’t have to do a thing other than just be there to mirror back what they are saying to you and support them while they fix their own life.

Stand Your Ground You Know Who You Are

Posted on March 14, 2014 at 11:30 PM Comments comments (0)

Today I was browsing the isles of my favorite clothing stores.  In fact, today is my designated, thank you for being you Wendy and all that you do for you day.  And for that I’m giving back to myself day.  What this translates to is I’m going to shop till I drop for whatever I want.   So, I’m browsing the isles looking at some, umm, how do I say this?  Really uuuugly stuff and I can’t but help over hear the conversation between the extremely peppy sales assistant and a new customer to the store.

The assistant is seriously digging though the shirt isle.  Ladies you know the one I mean, the side wall that runs the length of the store?  Yeah!  That one!  Where the merchandize is displayed at three levels.  And woe is you, if you are attracted to a particular item that isn’t eye or hip level.  Then an assistant has to retrieve the garment using a pole with a hook attached on the end.


Customer:  I need a shirt to go under this jacket (she was purchasing the jacket)
Assistant:  What color are you thinking about, blue and this peach is in season.
Customer:  Umm?  I think I would like white.
Assistant:  Where do you work?  Oh for the judicial system.  If this is for business, fashion for business is now more casual and the blue or peach will look good under the jacket.
Customer: I was really thinking something basic so that I could mix and match other outfits that I have.
Assistant: That works to be able to mix and match.  But, peach and blue are the season colors and I know that you want to be in the height of fashion.  And peach is your color.

Okay, I just have to interject here.  As a former color specialist, peach in any shade, tone or hue was not and never will be this woman’s color.  She would look hideous in that color.

Customer: Oh, do you really think so?  I never thought that I looked very good in peach.  I was really thinking of something more basic.  Something in white.
Assistant:  You look lovely in peach.

So the conversation goes on like that for a while and I kinda zone out.  And I laser back in when I hear the assistant say;

Assistant:  You don’t want sleeveless at your age because of your arms, you should go for the three quarter length or short sleeve.

I didn’t actually hear the customer’s response as I went into one.  What the heck is wrong with this picture?  I could have listed all the things that the sales assistant did wrong.  In fact, I was cataloging her failures in my head thinking to myself, “wow, she didn’t even listen to what that woman wanted.”  And then low and behold, I see the customer purchasing said PEACH short sleeve shirt at the register, still talking about basic white.

As a choice expert, I kicked into high gear.  My focus shifted from the sales assistant, who had to be commended, because she had done her job and done it well, to the customer.  For whatever reason…and in truth, the reasons don’t matter, what does matter is that the customer did not ensure that her needs where sufficiently met.  And it’s the customer’s responsibility to get what she needs.

What I witnessed, and hear me clearly, this is only from my perception, is that the customer knows all too well that she looks hideous in peach, yet still she purchased the peach short sleeve shirt, bearing in mind that she wanted sleeveless.  She also knew that she wanted to be able to use this new garment with other clothing that is currently in her closet, and in listening to her conversation, peach wasn’t going to do it for her.  Her career field dictated a dress code professional or otherwise and from what I could gather, peach didn’t factor in it…for her.


The question she may be asking herself and others may ask is why did you/I buy a shirt in a color and style you/I didn’t want?  That is a fair question toask.  However, it’s not an empowering question, because if focuses on all her shortcomings and distressing history.  It’s an extrinsic question that delves into the past for solutions to the future.  No solution is ever found in the past.  The past just gives you information on what doesn’t work for you.

A better question to ask the customer and yourself would be “What are you wanting your shopping experience to be like? Or what are you wanting to experience when you shop for clothing?”   This is an intrinsic based question that is guaranteed, if pursued, to empower you to get your needs met.  It will allow you to stand your ground, because when you answer this question you will know with clarity who you are and what you want.  When you have full cognition of your wants and needs you are going to make choices in the best interest of self, without feeling the need to sacrifice yourself on the altar of what someone else wants for you.